Ghost letter

Hello!
I'm writing you this ghost letter just to feel fine with myself. (So hypocrite, I know but that's me)
First of all, let me explain what a ghost letter is.
A ghost letter is a letter you write for someone who is never gonna read it. Usually because you burn it but in this case I'm just not gonna send it to you.
The last time we talked was on Thursday and I've mised you every single day since then. Yeah, everyday I ask myself why you aren't talking with me and everytime I see you online I just keep thinking "talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me..." but nothing ever happens...
But I've been thinking on why I haven't talked to you... There are two reasons. One is that I don't wanna bother you and I don't wanna make you talk to me if you don't feel like it 'cause it hurts when you don't do it beacuse of your pleasure. And the second is that I'm giving myself time. Time to stop loving or liking you... Giving myself space to find air far from you. (Even that's a really horrible idea for me)
I'm not gonna explain again and again the University thing... I'm pretty tired of telling everybody and just hear "you are not trying enough". I'm just gonna say I'm not fine in there... And I wish you talked to me only to make me feel better...
My favourite band has broken. For ever. Eventhough they are brothers. And I haven't told anyone but I'm devastated... They where the "You can break a band of brothers" and the "A little bit longer, and I'll be fine" that made me feel happy and complete. They gave me energy to find strenght on me to go on. But they are not here, not anymore... Now they are the "People change and promises are broken" that I never thought they could be... It fells like a little part of me has died. I can't really explain it because it's still hard to believe.
My dad is always angry with me. The stress that he gets in work is the weapon he uses against me. It feels awful and like he doesn't love me (yeah, I feel that the only men who's gonna ever love me does not... so sad). And I don't know what to do...
I'm tired. Of everything. It's so hard to go on every day. It's like there are no reasons to be strong. I'm tired of being the "Fearless girl". Everyday she dies a bit more and one day she's gonna disappear forever.
I can't be fearless if I know I'm gonna spend my life alone. I can't be fearless if I feel like I'm not good at anything. I can't be fearless if there's no one (band or friend) to tell me everything will be okay... I just can't... Being fearless means that even you are scared you are gonna continue. But I don't feel like going on...
I'm not sure if I would like to hear from you soon. Don't misunderstand me I would love to see that you are talking to me... but only if that's your real wish...
Really hope everything is fine, take care,
I still love you... Or I think so...
Inés

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